Disclaimer: The Sentinel, Blair Sandburg, Jim Ellison, Simon Banks, and all other characters are property of Paramount and Pet Fly. No copyright infringement is intended, and no money has exchanged hands.

Thoughts on the Plane Home

(after Sentinel, Too)

by Leesa Perrie

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Who am I now? A student, a police observer, an anthropologist; a wannabe hippie, a flower-child, a new age weirdo, a health conscious nut; a friend, a pain in the neck, a partner, a guide, a walking encyclopaedia; a help, a nuisance, a hindrance, an energizer bunny; an intelligent person, an open mind, a researcher, a dreamer, a naïve child, a grown man, a womaniser or table leg; a sensitive guy, a carer, an idiot, an adrenalin junkie, a spineless goober, a betrayer; a medicine man, witchdoctor punk……a shaman?

A shaman? Oh boy, what is that? Why, Incacha, why? Did you know what you were doing? Stupid, of course you knew. But I still don't get it - why me? I've read about shamanism, read even more in the months after your death, read everything I can find on it, so I guess I know all about it, don't I? So why do I feel like I know nothing? What am I missing? And who can teach me what isn't in the books or on the net? And does Jim need a shaman? Does Cascade? It needs a watchman, a Sentinel, and a Sentinel needs a guide - and a shaman? Maybe. But me?

Even now, months later, it scares the crap out of me. And I know that I have failed - I must have done. Jim didn't trust me, need me, and I didn't try to find out what was wrong, until it was too late. You guided him when he needed a shaman, Incacha. It should have been me. Why? Was I found lacking? Of course I was. But how do I do better? How can I avoid these mistakes?

Where do I go? Home? Where is home? With Jim? Where else would I go? After all the mess, the pain, the anger….I think, I hope, that he still needs me. But can I do it? Can I be what he needs? And what about me; my wants, my needs? Where is this leading us?

And why am I thinking so much? Perhaps I need to stop thinking and just do. But how do I do what I need to do, when I don't know what I need to do? And so the circle starts again, and I still don't know the answers. Maybe I never will.

Who am I now?

The End

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