Disclaimer: Jim, Blair and Simon - They're still not mine! The same for Harry and his friends. Otherwise I'd be rich and powerful but since everyone would be scared to death by the idea I'll be nice and stay writing fanfictions.
The Hitchhickers guide belongs to Douglas Adams, whose books I have loved even long ago.
The green blopp belongs to me, though, as well as the particular smell of Jim's special shower gel. *grinsevilly*
Outtakes II - The Insanity Continues!
by Meanthis and Lime-chan
Yay! I'm back! I have been on vacation in the Netherlands and Denmark and brought a lot of new ideas back with me (Hey, does this mean I smuggled them? … ohoh.)
Anyway enjoy the fruits of my hilarious craziness and give reviews. I love reviews! They keep me in the writing mood *^v^*
PS: Any mistakes unfound by Shedoc or me are the work of those damned plotbunnies with magical abilities. They just love to make mischief!
A/N: The outtakes are not sorted in any way. They're written down as they came up in my mind. Also you may notice that they belong either to our "wizard" or our "werewolf" universe. I have normal outtakes stored away in my brain too but since we did not put up the stories they belong to I will not write them down in the english version.
Simon: What's going on here? How did this chaos happen? And what are these mini-camels doing in my office?
Jim: Uh… you really want to know?
Simon: At least, it is MY office!
Jim: Actually, I think they are searching for an oasis.
Jim: All right! Sandburg is a wizard. His wand has been stolen and some kids are doing mischief with it.
Simon: That was a good one, Jim. Whatever you do, blaming Sandburg is the best thing in the world, isn't it? And I almost believed you.
(A/N: Also connected to Simon's birthday. Geesh, that thing is haunting me!)
Everyone was standing round the masked figure of you-know-who.
Blair: Now let's take a look who's behind the mask of Lord Voldemort. It is... Joan K. Rowling?
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Dumbledore are shocked.
Joan: You filthy meddling kids! I would have done away with it if it weren't for you and your dog, too!
Makes sense, doesn't it?
Blair: And in the end, you-know-who is still trying to take over the world. He is really dangerous and no one was able to deal with him yet.
Jim: And this Peter Pettigrew is his companion?
Blair: Yeah... we used to be friends before. I don't get it.
Blair: Peter never was that bright. Why should someone like you-know-who take him as a servant?
Jim: It has probably something to do with them planning to take over the world. They're Pinky and the Brain!
(A/N: *grinsevilly* Actually a bad pun. Kicked in when I realized that Peter even already had the right shape...)
It appears that wizards and witches are crazy in more than one way. And easing up their life seems to be one of their favourite hobbies...
Jim was pretty surprised when he browsed through the more than large amount of shower gels in his bathroom.
Jim: Uhm, Chief, why do we have all those tubes?
Blair: You see, they wanted to make sure we'll get whatever is our favourite smell. It's Hogwarts-service.
Jim: (starts reading aloud the signs on the bottles): Roses, peach, apple, ... raspberry. And this is "Exotic Garden". Milk&honey, passion fruits, fresh spring, candy, peppermint, chocolate - where does this come from? - lemony accent, cherry, winter fruits, green grass (which is definitely odd), rain forest, orange, orchids. Ork-feet, coconut cream, papaya... wait... Ork-feet? ORK-FEET??? Uuuhhhh... where did they get this from?
Blair just deadpanned: Well, if you don't want anyone near you for at last three weeks, you might take it... it's also called "teachers chill-out"...
For all the kitchen-freaks!
Blair: I wonder... what is it?
Snape: You mean this? It's Longbottom's attempt to produce something usable!
Blair looks at the very interesting gluey mass of green blopp that is just about to crawl around on the carpet with long violet tentacles.
Blair: May I ask what it was supposed to be? A shape-changing potion?
Snape: Nah, that was way worse! Today he only tried to make some tomato-soup...
Interlude with Owl
Ron is running around in the Great Hall and calling for his little owl: Pig! Piiig! Hey Pig, where are you?
Jim: Why for pete's sake did he call that owl "pig"? Are you wizards all that crazy?
Blair: Don't laugh about it! You know, some things are not even supposed to be funny. Take a look at the owls for example. Years ago a friend of mine named his bird "Staizer" - which is a nice and proper name for an owl in America. Unfortunately everybody at school started to laugh whenever he called for it...
Jim (puzzled): Huh? Why would anybody laugh about that? Because we're in Great Britain?
Blair grinned: Oh no, that was because of his famous "Stai-zer! Come here! Staai - zeeer, come here!"
(I just hope everybody'll understand it...)
[little note from Tis-chan: If you read it with German pronunciation Stai-zer sounds like Stay-there. Just so you might understand Lime-chan's insanity. Back to the regular program…]
Undercover Part I
Blair: NO way! I won't let you go to this undercover act alone. It's far too dangerous!
Jim: Yeah, but I told you that "Jason Smith" whose role I'll be playing is known to be a lone wolf. It would be suspicious if I'd bring someone along! ... wait Chief... didn't we have a dog-collar somewhere?
Jim starts grinning in a very special way.
Blair (turns slightly pale and gulps): Oh no. No, man! I won't! If my pack'd ever find out, I'm sushi! It's way beneath my dignity! And my pride! And we have a reputation to preserve...
Two hours later Jim left the police department with a very grumpy looking wolf on a leash.
Blair: Why am I doing this? Just why am I doing this?
Meet a friend...
When Blair told Jim he wanted a very old friend of his to stay over night, Jim should have known. But noooo... and now he was facing the not-really-alive person in his living room.
Blair: Jim, say hello to my old pal Dracula. He came all the way from Transylvania to visit some friends.
Dracula: Urgh... (says something Jim doesn't understand)
Blair: Oh yes, he says he's grateful for being able to stay. And we have a very nice loft.
Jim grinned helplessly while trying not to panic. And then he realized he could at least return the compliment even if his visitor had not brought much luggage with him: Nice to meet you, too, Mr. Dracula... nice coffin!
Never give this to your kids...
Everyone in the room looked at Harry. The famous boy had just been in contact with one of Longbottom's potions (which never quite used to work as they should).
Harry took a look around himself. Then suddenly a set of big red hearts appeared in his eyes and he started to move quickly.
"Chooooo! I LOVE you!!!"
Everyone stepped back as Harry jumped right into Cho Changs arms and kissed her all over. A few whistles could be heard. But not enough, Harry released the shocked girl and turned around.
"Hermioneeee! I ADORE you!!"
She too got a full hug and kisses from Harry. And then…
(A/N: No. Let's not go there. Bad thoughts, go away!)
Greetings from the Hitchhackers guide…
Jim waved around in the bullpen: Everybody listen please! The question is important! What shall we get for the captain?
"What about a new set of cups? For his coffee."
"Cigars. He'll need them if you two are going to walk on his nerves again!"
"What about a trip?"
No one seemed to have a really good idea. Until Megan started to grin very widely.
"I know! Let's buy him a robot!"
Jim, Blair and everyone else stared at her puzzled.
"Yeah!", she cheered "It'll be good for his voice. All we need to do is program it to scream 'Ellison, Sandburg, my office!' as well as saying 'I don't want to know!' Oh, and before I forget maybe 'where's the coffee?'"
Undercover Part II
Simon: Sandburg, if anyone else of my men but you had told me he'd need a collar and a leash for an undercover job... you know, I'd be scared!
Blair replied with nothing but a growl. He was in a really bad mood.
Guinea is not far away
Jim took a sip. And another. And another. After all, the weird mix Sandburg had brought him to cure his overreaction to the plants in the greenhouse tasted not that bad. Just when he could see the bottom of the cup Blair entered the room again.
"Hey! How d'you feel, pal?"
"Not that bad. I think, it's a lot better than an hour before."
Blair took a deep breath of relief.
"Whew, I'm glad. Uhm… if you're feeling strange, you tell me, okay?" he said in a very quiet voice.
"Why?" Jim asked curiously.
Blair tried to look innocent. It didn't work.
"Aah, you see, we didn't have any Flictularia-plants left. So I needed to adjust the ingredients of this potion…"
"Well, there might be side effects. Especially with these Ork-hairs in it…"
Blair hid barely in time behind the sofa before the pillow could hit him. In the next moment Jim stomped straight to the bathroom.
(A/N: in case you haven't noticed, we kind of like Orks. They're fun to play with. Friends of mine started a virtual Ork-hunt. We're still searching for the best recipe of Ork-steak. ^v^)
They're gonna take over the world for sure
Blair went into the classroom with a very large cage covered by a black sheet. Strange noises could be heard from beneath that made everyone's hair stand up on end. The students sitting in the front row tried to get away as far as possible.
"This, my dear students contains the worlds most evil creatures. They may look innocent but they are far more dangerous than you could possibly imagine…"
"These are not Cornish pixies, are they?" Neville piped out. He clearly remembered the fateful day the former professor Gilderoy Lockheart had brought these nasty little flying creatures with him. They had made a real chaos in the classroom and in the process hanged up Neville on the ceiling.
Blair grinned. "No. What I have in the cage is more feared than everything else in the world. It's time to reveal…"
He made a dramatical pause while the students tried to hide under their desks. Blair watched the faces of pure terror when he lowered his voice to a creepy tone.
Don't mess around with a wizard…
"Ha!" said Ramon, the terrorist. "This time it'll work for sure!"
He took his weapon out.
"Everybody on the floor! We're gonna take over the building!!!" he screamed loudly and pulled the trigger of his weapon. Nothing happened.
Jim noticed Blair standing in a corner and hiding his wand half behind his back, a wide smile spreading on his lips.
Everybody stared as the terrorist got… wet. Then the whole department started to laugh.
Ramon had just failed to notice that his gun had been turned into a water pistol right before he tried to fire at the ceiling…
(A/N: yes, another of my stupid ideas of Simon's birthday)
Do you know "Undercover Blues"
Lord Voldemort: Ha! I'm the allmighty Voldemort! I'm gonna take over the World! I'll kill Harry Potter! Everybody shall fear my name!
Jim & Blair in unison: MORTY!!!
Last but not least:
Tis-chan's working on a few other fanfictions as well, one of them playing in the Buffy universe. When she asked me what could happen if the Scooby-gang would meet Jim and Blair… another insane idea was born - plotbunnies are as agile as ever.
But this is what came up into my mind first after the question:
Think of it. Blair is a werewolf. Buffy is far too stake-happy. And now imagine what will happen if they meet…
Buffy: *sniff* *sniff* Werewolf!!! There!!! Need… to… KILL!!!
Blair: Yipes! *tries to hide behind Jim*
Buffy: *pantpant* KILL!!! *pulls out very large stake made of silver* and jumps towards Blair.
Both Buffy and Blair fall to the ground. Blair recovers quickly.
Blair: Man, what was that for? You nuts?
Jim: *grabbing Buffy and holding her tight* What Chief? It worked! Even if I didn't know that she would react too. Actually I thought she'd miss you when you were down. It also shows…
Jim: That you are trained well. Good doggy!
That's it. End for now. By the way, whoever wondered what happened to my pretty bright red socks, I was about to call for Jim and Blair! In fact, my dog stole them and chewed on them happily to the end of his days. (Which appeared to be no longer than five minutes after I found out *grins evilly* After all, he killed my pretty, beloved red socks. I had only one pair of bright red socks. What an unfortunate murder.)
And before you ask: Yes, next part of Sentinel at Hogwarts is almost finished. Since we got only four reviews on the last part we weren't exactly well encouraged to continue as fast as we would have been able to. And then there is real life, too.
Also, Tis-chan is working on other fanfics as well as I am (go read her Stargate-fic "Thoth's servant" on fanfiction.net. It's good!). Plotbunnies have been trying to take over my room for the last three weeks. I can't help it.
Comments, criticism, suggestions? Please e-mail the authors.
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